show me how you do that trick
The scary part of all this is when the medication actually starts to work.
You’d think that would be a relief! But its not. When at the end of the day, the pills kick in and stillness finally creeps over my chest, its like a warm, calming blanket. It wraps around the rock of pain, tucking it away for the night. The static in my brain, at least for awhile, is reduced to just a basic white noise.
The static is referred to as the fibrofog. Its common enough. The pain and anxiety are the base of lupus. But those feelings are my feelings. That’s how I feel. They are mine. They belong to me and I’m tired of having MY emotions and MY thoughts blasted to hell by a handful of pills. But, if I don’t, that rock, deep inside, becomes a landslide and before I know it, I’m buried.
So do I dig my way out or take the easy way.
Last night, JM and I put ‘90’s dance jams on and sang and laughed and I danced. We made faces at each other. Played the stupidest songs we could think of. And lived. You’ll never, ever know how precious those moments are. The moments that we tuck away the stress and the worry and pretend we’ve never seen the inside of the doctors office. Or the inside of my body. Trust me - you don’t want to know what the inside looks like. You don’t want to know how fragile the tissues and cells are, how easily ripped apart they are. How quickly your own body can turn on you and cut every sense of normalcy away.
So every single morning I wake up slowly. And before I let myself hurt, I remember to breathe. Wake slowly, breathe deeply. Then turn to the one you love and tell them how much you love them. That way, you wake with a smile and with a light heart. Because that day can bring anything. Pain, hurt, stress. Anger. But if you wake, breathe and love, you’ve already beat it all.
That’s how I want to live. I feel bad now for holding grudges, for being needlessly angry. I cant bring myself to be upset at anyone lately. There’s no room for more negativity. I’ve been given the gift of time. I refuse to take that for granted. Wake, breathe, love. Laugh, so much laughing. So much loving. And its all good.
Really.
You’d think that would be a relief! But its not. When at the end of the day, the pills kick in and stillness finally creeps over my chest, its like a warm, calming blanket. It wraps around the rock of pain, tucking it away for the night. The static in my brain, at least for awhile, is reduced to just a basic white noise.
The static is referred to as the fibrofog. Its common enough. The pain and anxiety are the base of lupus. But those feelings are my feelings. That’s how I feel. They are mine. They belong to me and I’m tired of having MY emotions and MY thoughts blasted to hell by a handful of pills. But, if I don’t, that rock, deep inside, becomes a landslide and before I know it, I’m buried.
So do I dig my way out or take the easy way.
Last night, JM and I put ‘90’s dance jams on and sang and laughed and I danced. We made faces at each other. Played the stupidest songs we could think of. And lived. You’ll never, ever know how precious those moments are. The moments that we tuck away the stress and the worry and pretend we’ve never seen the inside of the doctors office. Or the inside of my body. Trust me - you don’t want to know what the inside looks like. You don’t want to know how fragile the tissues and cells are, how easily ripped apart they are. How quickly your own body can turn on you and cut every sense of normalcy away.
So every single morning I wake up slowly. And before I let myself hurt, I remember to breathe. Wake slowly, breathe deeply. Then turn to the one you love and tell them how much you love them. That way, you wake with a smile and with a light heart. Because that day can bring anything. Pain, hurt, stress. Anger. But if you wake, breathe and love, you’ve already beat it all.
That’s how I want to live. I feel bad now for holding grudges, for being needlessly angry. I cant bring myself to be upset at anyone lately. There’s no room for more negativity. I’ve been given the gift of time. I refuse to take that for granted. Wake, breathe, love. Laugh, so much laughing. So much loving. And its all good.
Really.
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